Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
