i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
