This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
