I puked a lego.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
