After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
