Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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