North Korea, Best Korea!
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
