so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
