i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
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