Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Dicks are not precious.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
