Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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