What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I don't deserve a penis
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
