Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
