I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Michael Bay diarrhea
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
