i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
