mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
