and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
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