she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
