my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
