I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
smell my finger.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
