Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
