Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
