ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
