I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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