what day is it and did you see me today?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
my poor anus
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
