Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
