i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
