Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
It's blow job season.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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