I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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