how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
