At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
