census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
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