I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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