Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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