Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
