based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
