You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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