I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
