I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
My ATM looks so different sober.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
