I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
