the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
