There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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