Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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