my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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