this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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