watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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