May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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