Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
