Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
