My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I need a hoe opinion
go on
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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