oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
